4 Necessary Considerations Before the Commitment of Marriage
4 Necessary Considerations Before the Commitment of Marriage
As social creatures, we all strive to seek and forge bonds with others. At one point, our survival depended on it.
Even today, we carry with us many of those same instincts. But, with modern times, come modern unions.
Today’s marriage is far more private than it has ever been before. Instead of couples and families residing in large groups where the joys, sadness and issues are shared with others, today’s marriage is far less transparent.
While there are some definite pros to the increased privacy around the relationships between married couples, it has also added a a layer of ambiguity to everyone on the outside.
The lack of transparency has led to young couples being far less exposed to what it takes to make marriage work, and managing our expectations about the union.
So, it’s really on us to learn about marriage and make the best decision we can when the time comes.
After all, it is one of the biggest decisions we’ll ever make.
Consider This, Before Marriage
With marriage so prevalent in our society, chances are, we all either have or will be propositioned (or propositioning) for marriage.
When that time comes, we will be faced with a fork in the road: to marry, or to not marry.
That decision is definitely a personal one, but what we can do is help you out with a few things to consider beforehand.
These considerations are taken from first-hand experience, expert advice and the best in advice from successful marriages.
Marriage Consideration #1: The Contract
When we think of a marriage contract, the first thing that comes into mind is a pre-nup.
But really, a pre-nup is like a contract to set boundaries and rules around the first and original contract- the marriage itself.
Varying based on location, a marriage between two people is commemorated with a paper signing that ultimately dictates everything from civil status to the split of assets in the case of divorce.
The first consideration we should make when presented with the choice of to marry or to not, is if conventional marriage is for us.
For some, this question will prompt a quick and resounding yes, and for others, the hesitation may lead to a look into the other forms of cohabiting relationships: from common- law to legal unions. Regardless of what the answer is, it’s an avenue worth researching.
In conclusion, consider:
- Is marriage for me?
- What are the stipulations to legal marriage in my country?
- Should a pre-nup or additional legal union be added?
Marriage Consideration #2: Financial and Career Trajectory
The second consideration that’s imperative to make prior to the decision to marry or not, is the compatibility of both people when it comes to money and career.
Financial burdens and bad habits on either side of the relationship can be an absolute deal breaker. After the highs of romance, it can be very sobering to find out that your partner is in debt that significantly alters the quality of life you imagined.
So, we must bring to the table, a full and honest account of our finances if we hope to live together without any unwanted surprises.
To take that a step further though, it’s important to be up front about the quality of life we expect to live and everything that comes with it- including our career.
Sure, careers aren’t always predictable, but it sure is worth it to spend some time talking out the details about what we aspire to do, have and make, as it will inevitably affect the person we share a life with.
In conclusion, consider:
- Are my finances/ my partner’s finances compatible with our desired lifestyle?
- Are we being upfront about any large life changes our careers might bring?
- Should finances be managed separately or together?
Marriage Consideration #3: Support Structure
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When we’re in love sometimes we think to ourselves, this person is the only person I’ll ever need.
And, while that kind of thought is a beautiful display of the intense feelings we can have when we’re in love, it lacks acknowledgement of the multi-faceted challenges we’ll invariably face throughout our lives.
In fact, one of the biggest predictors of happiness as a couple, is the strength of each partner’s support structure.
The reason behind that is simple: one person cannot be everything at once. Our partner cannot be our friend, our therapist, our gym partner, our reading buddy, our coworker, our best friend, our parent, our confidant, our accountant and our lover.
Yet, we have this almost inexplicable expectation for our partner to be all of those things, all of the time. But the reality is, in the best of marriages, the partner we can expect is someone who ticks a few of those boxes most of the time.
So, before entering the lifetime commitment of marriage, we must have, or be willing to create support structures outside of our primary relationship.
These structures will allow us to live happy and full lives, spreading our various social, work and life related needs over many people instead of unfairly directing them at just one person.
In conclusion, consider:
- Is my relationship co-dependant, or do we both have strong support structures of friends, family and acquaintances we enjoy?
- What can I do do strengthen or grow my support structure?
- Do we have room to grow independently in our marriage?
Marriage Consideration #4: Conflict Resolution and Emotional Well-Being
This one is left last, because it is possibly the most important of them all: the consideration towards the health of your relationship before marriage.
But, that relationship isn’t just the one with our partner- we must also consider the relationship we have with ourselves.
The bottom line here comes down to respect. If we respect ourselves and our partners enough, we will be more likely to have a healthy pulse to our relationship and that will translate to better conflict resolution, and better emotional well-being.
It is said that our long-term partners are actually a mirror to ourselves and in resolving our conflicts with them, we must resolve them with ourselves first. So, here it becomes really important to be willing to put in the work towards ourselves.
We must ensure that we hold ourselves accountable for our end of the conflict resolution and maintain our emotional well-being through any self-development practices we prefer- whether it’s meditation, journaling, reading, or otherwise.
In conclusion, consider:
- Do we respect each other and ourselves in a healthy way?
- Am I adept at conflict resolution?
- How is my emotional well-being with and without my significant other?
- What skills can I work on to ground myself during times of conflict?
With that said, marriage is a beautiful thing and we’re all capable of forming a lifelong partnership that is loving, kind and supportive.
The key is to make the decision to the best of our abilities, and we hope that these 4 considerations will help you do just that.
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